"Grief can often be found to be a sharp pain at small reminders rather than the large things.” A reflection on Grief at Christmas

Rev'd Zoe King, Barry Ministry Area Leader, reflects on grief and gravy as we approach Christmas.

I often end up talking about gravy at this one particular service and as anyone who knows me I can’t stand the stuff! So why in earth do I end up talking about it?

I suppose I should start at the beginning; like many churches at this time of year we hold a bereavement carol service hosted by a local funeral directors. They’re becoming more and more prevalent and go by different names. Often at first glance they can appear light on religion, but in fact I find them rich in theology.

Advent and Christmas in the world outside the church doors can appear beyond materialistic, full of tinsel, sparkle and baubles and grief always painful can feel sharper when the world outside is full of forced jollity.

The opportunity for the church to offer a space where grief is welcome, and recognises that not everyone is full of the joy of the season is an important one. Our service in Barry is gentle, carols and poems and a roll of honour where people can have loved ones names read out - a new version of All Souls for the people. In the midst of this I have a slot called words of comfort - which is a homily speaking of grief and love in a time of tinsel. Which brings us to the gravy - I often speak of Christmases past where there may have been discussions of gravy between my Mother and Grandmother and the year my Grandmother died the discussion was deeply missed, and I speak of grief which often can be found to be a sharp pain at small reminders rather than the large things.

It is our largest service of the year in the Ministry Area; this year people were squashed in all over the place in All Saints. The congregation is wide and varied we had someone whose Mother I had the privilege to officiate at the funeral of 2 days before to people who lost loved ones a number of years ago. People come in and talk of loved ones to others, speaking to others who are grieving and to parishioners who were helping on the refreshments and the welcomers and myself. Throughout these conversations are the same themes love, loss, comfort and memories, often of small things that provoke the strongest reactions.

In amidst the tears, poems and discussion of gravy there is the over arching theme of love and loss. I may be flippant about talking about gravy but it gives me a chance to lead into speaking of God’s love being close to us all, the bereaved and the deceased especially in the darkest moments.

As we move through advent towards the hope of the Messiah a service of this kind is a moment for the church to offer welcome, balm and a respite from the madness of the materialism outside for those feeling lost and apart. That for me is why it may look religion light, but is rich in theology.