Mental Health, Mud and Time with God
The Rev'd Canon Zoe King reflects on her time in at Llangasty Retreat House and the importance of getting away from the busyness of life and meeting God in the wilderness.
Why on earth did I book myself on a walking retreat in Llangasty in early April? Retreats are things we as clergy are called to do, but sometimes can be pushed to the bottom of the list as everything can seem to take precedence over it. I occasionally have a mind that works against me: a predisposition to overthinking, anxiety and mild depression. I’m open about it and how I endeavour to feed my mental health for the good because it may help someone else realise, they also need to recalibrate. So, knowing I needed a bit of time with God, I found myself in boots, clutching poles in April in the Beacons.
Retreat is something Jesus did a lot; maybe not for days, but he understood the need to stop and absent himself from the busyness of the world around him and just be. For some, a formal, more structured retreat is preferable and understandable, but sometimes the wilder aspects of spirituality can be empowering, overwhelming and incredibly rejuvenating.
Llangasty in April is beautiful. Outside the house is a field full of black sheep and lots and lots of their bouncing, springing lambs. However, let’s be honest the weather, has been pretty disgusting, so the Beacons in April is boggy. The overwhelming sound of this retreat is the squelch and slurp of walking boots in the mud.
Our walking guide Sarah had phenomenal knowledge and experience and stopped every once in a while to share short readings to make us think. One reading that spoke to me asked ‘how do we nourish ourselves?’
We took a slow walk up to an Iron Age fort on the hill behind the retreat house. It was a up the old Roman road, deep with trees bursting into life, stunning views and mud… so much mud. When we arrived at the top for lunch, we had a view that stretched from Pen Y Fan to the Black Mountains where God was glorified in the wildness and fresh air. Then, as we started our descent, the cloud we had seen far off was suddenly upon us. A fierce wind and hail tossed and battered us around for 10 minutes like the disciples’ boat on the lake. Just as suddenly as it had started so it finished.
As we walked, there were small conversations but often long patches of silence as we each picked our way carefully down the path. Personally, I was also picking my way mentally through the wonders before us and the readings Sarah had given us whilst endeavouring to listen to God. One quote I remembered from an episode of The West Wing kept floating in my mind was:
“You cannot conceive, nor can I, of the appalling strangeness of the mercy of God.” - Brighton Rock by Graham Greene.
In the wildness, the wind, and rain (and did I mention the mud?) there was God, loud and centre, gloriously wild, gloriously free and it was transcendent.
Retreats are not always a safe place, they are a place of encounter.
You take yourself away from the everyday and be in a place, often of spiritual refreshment and nourishment, but they also can become unsettling, thought provoking and challenging as you listen closely to God.
For each of us, we need to make sure we often take ourselves away from the internet, phones, lists and the busyness of the world to spend time with God. It doesn’t have to be for a few days but just doing a slow task, such as bread making, walking, swimming, sewing, whatever takes your fancy that offers you time in a space to encounter God.
It’s also about being prepared to enter a different space with God like in the wilderness where what was calm may suddenly be like on the top of the hill with a wonderful view but with a mighty wind.
In her book ‘Field Notes for the Wilderness’, Sarah Bessey puts it best:
“Jesus is our good shepherd on both sides of the gate. God is at home where you’ve been and where you are, and wherever you are going beloved. There is a danger and wilderness in God , just as much as a calm homecoming. The gate is open because it’s time for a wander in good company, even if it’s just your own.”